|Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards."
The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States
Here are this year's winners:
5th Place (3 way tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He w as not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500. and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury thought the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses
This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around
|LETTER TO GOD
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA", they
decided to send it to the President.
The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the
little boy a $5.00 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a
lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a
"thank-you" note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those
assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes
Sent by Melissa G.
|If you have funny jokes send them to me I will post them as long as they are not rude.|
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can
ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Sent by Melissa G.
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR NOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Sent by Melissa G.
|Bush and the war
Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief.
He buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "We lose soldiers all the time, and it's
terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian'?"
Sent by Ileen
|Grandma's Birth Control
THE DOCTOR THAT HAD BEEN SEEING AN 80-YEAR-OLD WOMAN FOR MOST OF HER LIFE FINALLY RETIRED. AT HER NEXT CHECKUP, THE NEW DOCTOR TOLD HER TO BRING A LIST OF ALL THE MEDICINES THAT HAD BEEN PRESCRIBED FOR HER. AS THE YOUNG DOCTOR WAS LOOKING THROUGH THESE, HIS EYES GREW WIDE AS HE REALIZED SHE HAD A PRESCRIPTION FOR BIRTH CONTROL PILLS. "MRS. SMITH DO YOU REALIZE THESE ARE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?"
"YES, THEY HELP ME SLEEP AT NIGHT."
"MRS. SMITH, I ASSURE YOU THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THESE THAT COULD POSSIBLY HELP YOU SLEEP!"
SHE REACHED OUT AND PATTED THE YOUNG DOCTOR'S KNEE.
"YES, DEAR, KNOW THAT. BUT EVERY MORNING, I GRIND ONE UP AND MIX IT IN THE GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE THAT MY 16 YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER DRINKS...AND
BELIEVE ME, IT HELPS ME SLEEP AT NIGHT."
YOU GOTTA LOVE GRANDMAS!
Sent by Ileen
|A Wedding Anniversay to Note
Roger was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary!
Patti was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that when I step on it, will go from 0 to 200 in less
than 6 seconds".
The next morning Roger got up early and left for work. When Patti woke up,
she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box in the middle of
the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe, ran out to the
driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a
brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Roger have been scheduled for Friday
Sent by Ileen
|First time sex
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Sent by Ileen
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men but married men are a
lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the
ribs, cackling, and telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I
started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Sent by Ileen