An open letter to Ethiopia from dollar intellectual Ethiopians worldwide (DIEW)
By Daniel Barkaw
Feb. 24 2010
Dear Ethiopians living all over Ethiopia. From the poor farmer in Ogden village, city hassler, students, business men, and all others, we want your service now. We the dollar intellectuals who reside abroad have showed you how much we care about Ethiopia. We have written thousands of articles denouncing EPRDF. We have written, 500 thousand articles preaching democracy. Do you know how hard it is to do this? We had to sit in front of the computer so many hours, so that we can introduce democracy to Ethiopia. Despite our hard work, EPRDF has tarnished our image by questioning our moral authority and legitimacy. The question of legitimacy and moral authority is one that is ridiculous and laughable? Which Ethiopian person doubts our legitimacy and moral authority? We are PHDs who also have stocked a good chunk of dollars in our bank. We rub shoulders with the most civilized, and powerful people in the world. We speak, write, and think, in English fluently. In short, we the dollar intellectuals are the chosen people of Ethiopia. We do not need to do anything for Ethiopia.
It is true, that Ethiopia faces literacy, poverty, problems to the point that a little American girl was able to raise money to help poor Ethiopians. We the dollar intellectuals never like to open our wallets. We only like to open our mouth as big as possible, until it is loud enough to be heard by every Ethiopian in this world. Truthfully speaking, we the dollar intellectuals should have contributed to the social welfare of Ethiopia. But nobody seems to suggest that to us, except EPRDF puppets. But who cares about EPRDF puppets? We do not care about what they say. Besides, if we help the poor Ethiopians develop financially and intellectually, they might not follow us blindly. But our main reason for not helping is simple and clear, we love our dollar more than anything in this world.
Even though we are not willing to open our wallet, this does not mean we do not want the removal of EPRDF. As you see in North Africa, Tunisians and Egyptians are able to successfully mount a protest that outset their leaders. If they can do it why not us? The only minor different between the Northern African countries and us is that, for many years we have been writing subtle hate messages toward all the different ethnic tribes of Ethiopia. We arrogantly, have dismissed the true aspiration of minority rights. For that reason we never cared our policy in regards to Ethiopian ethnic groups . Our critics have told us many times that we fail to organize a truly democratic opposition movement, because of our arrogance and lack of compassion for our fellow Ethiopians living in Ethiopia. Even though this is true, we are not willing to change our ways. We like our ways, and we will see how far our rigid ways will take us.
Our Ethiopian citizens, we your dollar intellectuals have made a bold decision in our Sunday worldwide meeting. The meeting was full of energy and debate. In regards to that meeting we have good news and bad news to report. The bad news is that, after a lengthy debate, no dollar intellectual was willing to burn himself for democracy. We just have too much dollars to die so soon. The good news is that, we are willing to buy some Ethiopians for the burning ceremony. We will pay the money to your husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, and children. We want to buy as many Ethiopians as we can, because we want the bonfire of democracy to be huge and successful. Dear Ethiopian citizens your dollar intellectuals worldwide needs your service now. Ethiopia needs you now. After you burn yourself, we promise we will write a poem for your picture, and we will put your picture on the democracy poster. Your surviving aunt will be proud of you. EPRDF crimes are horrendous, and this government needs to be evicted.
Beside the Ethopiawnet issue, we will also deal with the economy. Under EPRDF Ethiopia has not become Singapore, or Japan. If we become the leaders of Ethiopia, Ethiopians will eat six times a day, including the missed meal under EPRDF leadership. We will feed you snack and dessert too. But do not ask us how we plan to do this. Just shut up and wait until we get power, and we will show you the mysterious and genius way to make Ethiopia Japan in just two years. We know it all; nobody needs to ask us anything.
Besides giving you Ethiopiawnet, six times a day meal and dessert, we will also give you democracy. Under EPRDF you do not have any democracy. But when we get power, we will give you democracy. Ok, you might be thinking what do we mean by democracy? When we say democracy, we mean ideas that we the chosen Ethiopians deem them good and democracy. For example, if an EPRDF puppet has good ideas, we call those good ideas dictatorial. But if any ideas come from members of the dollar intellectuals we call it democratic ideas. This means, as long as you know the rules of our democracy, you are guaranteed to living under a democratic order, and you will be respected. But those who disagree with us, we call them despotic, or stupid. Another way to say it, if you agree with us you are democratic, and if you have some points of agreement with EPRDF you are despotic. This is not a difficult rule to forget. Our democracy version is much more simple and easier than the democracy we enjoy in the west. The democracy we enjoy in the west is much more sophisticated and difficult to follow.
Our Ethiopian citizens, the time to act is now. As our first gift to Ethiopia, we will be shipping the thousands of articles that we have written over the years. These piles of paper should be divided among the peasant farmer of Ethiopia. And when mama burns these papers and cooks for her family a good meal, she will remember how generous we are. This will also shut the mouth of EPRDF cadre who considers as good for nothing intellectuals.
Your respected humble Dollar Intellectual Ethiopians worldwide (DIEW)